


When we get behind closed doors...

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-07
Updated: 2011-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-06 19:37:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8766286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: A bit of drabble that's my take on what Castiel and Sam discussed. coda 6.12





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Sam sat there staring off into space a moment, totally gobsmacked by what he’d been told. He winced at the invisible weight of guilt that was pressing down upon him with it. Castiel had just revealed the kind of person he’d been, complete with all the bumps and warts. 

 

There were a couple of particularly low points, like the time he’d let Dean get turned by a vampire so that they could find their nest and wipe them out and curing Dean in the process as well. The hunts that he had been on with his brother where they put themselves to serious risk on Sam’s word, not to mention that incredible hunt they’d been on where Crowley was faced down and destroyed. He didn’t know what hurt worse in the culmination of all that. Whether he should feel guilt for doing everything he did or being unrestrictedly angry at the fact that they’d been Crowley’s bitch and he’d been shining them on for weeks. Then there was the mere fact that he’d abandoned his brother, the one guy he loved unconditionally, to a year of mundane life even if he still observed the specifics such as salt lines. 

 

It was hard for him to hear, but he listened to it all taking it all in, digesting it, bathing in it because he had to face facts, that was him, that was how he was for a year, an unmitigated asshole. He looked at Castiel now that recitation of events was over and sat there numb for a moment. He wet his lips tentatively to attempt to speak.

 

“So I was basically an ass?” 

“If you want to look at that way.” Castiel replied.

“There’s another way _to_ look at it. If there is I would dearly appreciate your sharing it because right now I see the face that I was an unmitigated shit. I should be begging Dean’s forgiveness and God only knows what I should be doing with Bobby for attempting to slit his throat just to prevent me getting my soul back.” Sam cringed his blood cold.

 

“Asking for forgiveness is a good place to start.”

“I feel so nasty, I mean a week of showers isn’t going to wash this filth off.”

“No but your repentance will do for a start.” Castiel offered.

“Cas, man I haven’t darkened a church door for an actual service in years.”

“You don’t get forgiveness with repentance through a church but through your sincere expression to God that you are heartily sorry for the sins you have committed.”

 

“Let me think on that one and get back to you.” Sam said thinking over what he’d been told. “I’ve got to go to Dean and Bobby first, I’ve got to.”

“Yes, you do. They deserve that. Ask their forgiveness accept their words and then do the most difficult thing, forgive yourself.”

 

“I don’t deserve that.” Sam said flatly.

Castiel walked over and sat down across from Sam. He looked him in the eyes, locking on. Castiel reached out a gentle hand and touched Sam’s cheek, he tilted his head with a puzzled expression.

 

“Why is it that you children of man always taken on the most guilt and are so tenacious in releasing it? Do you happen to like how guilt feels? Or do you crave the sensations that go with guilt, the depression and despair?” Castiel sighed now looking tenderly at him. “God forgives all his children, even the most recalcitrant if they just come to him repentant. That’s all he wants he doesn’t want flowery prose, or fulsome theologically correct prayers, he just wants to hear what you really feel.”

 

Sam sat there for a long moment a tear tracking his cheek as he pondered all the events that gripped him. He hid his face in his hands for a moment, his breathing ragged, his feelings raw. It seemed like forever before he dared to show his face again now it was streaked, but his eyes were clear now, a different light shining in them. 

 

“You see that’s all you had to do. That wasn’t so hard.” Castiel said with a sad smile.

Sam smiled wanly and started to stand, pushing up unsteadily from the table and looking across the kitchen he walked over and took down a bottle from the cabinet and poured a shot in a cup. Then he put the bottle up. He sniffed the liquor a moment then without a moment’s thought turned the cup up draining it. Coughing as the liquor burned a fiery trail down his throat, hitting his stomach and not threatening to rebel but soaking to his senses. 

 

He turned to Castiel before he could lose what courage he had and gave him a quick hug, the angel returned it with awkward grace. Then he braced up just like St. George and prepared to go slay his personal dragons of guilt.


End file.
